we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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