Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
