Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
