If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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