4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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