I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize