My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
