I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
