Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
