k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You are the jesus of drinking
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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