I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
