nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
