Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
