I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize