you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
