He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
