he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
