Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
