My nipple is on Facebook.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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