Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize