I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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