It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
