My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
