The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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