life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
