Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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