I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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