I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
