dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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