This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I understand Curling. That high.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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