Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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