Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
