see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
