Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
