I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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