At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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