HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
