I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
