So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize