and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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