I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
