Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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