I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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