did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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