Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
