I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
