he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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