the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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