just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
