Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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