I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
