I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
