if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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