they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
