I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I hate all girls vehemently.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
