i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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